months later, and what i see is that God most definitely still loves me and speaks to me. the other day, God told me to clean my room and i did, begrudingly, but its a good thing i did because i found pads that i would later need, very badly need, for my period. yes God You are still speaking and i'm trying to be really still and know you are God. it's really important for me to come to you in rest, so we can a) spend time together and b) so i'll know what battles to fight each day. this blog really is just for God and me. It's amazing the thoughts that go through my head. amazingly wicked. i see that God really wants me to just take care of me. So often, i like to play policewoman and go well, this is what's wrong with this person and i didn't respond right because they didn't do it this way. sometimes, the rationale is, God, they're not going to change if i ask for forgiveness, but God responds, that it's not for them i that i ask, its for me, its to humble my pride and thinking i deserve better treatment. i don't. i've been perfectly spoiled and that's not right, He is God and I am not. I better realize and change that. And change it quick. it feels hard when i feel like i have have no content. but You are who You are God. And nothing will change that. please change me and continue to help me walk by Your Spirit. Give me the content, the right desires, attitudes, and motives God. Please help. Thank You for You. Help me to love You for You, not just to use You and get Your help. Help me be like Job. wait, didn't You have me read Job? maybe in preparation for all this. not because i'm righteous like Job, but because i need to love God for God, not just because He blesses me. You are good God, and You are wonderful. more than i know. please restore my sight, my spirit and help me to think rightly and not complain so much. but help me be thankful God. I can't even do that without Your help. so God, thank You for good friends, for the little things, for still speaking and convicting me on things and being LOVE, patient with me in all my ways. i love that about You. Always being there. I'm finding my way, little by little. Thank you for breaking me and hopefully giving me more repentance. little by little i'll change.
thank You God for Lindsay's note, for Your Word, which is so good. Thank You for Kay's e-mail which described that You would do it, that I can be still and know You are God, and YOU ARE, You're big, You can restore me, blow life back into my spirit by Yours. and for letting me see that I have wanted You for the blessings, not just for You and I need to get back to that. To love You for You, not just to get the blessings or to have things not go bad because of whatever. Though I know Lord, You will change that. it also feels good to take responsiblity and work and have things clean. it does feel good to do my job. and i don't need to complain, i can be thankful. thank You Lord. You are good.
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