i love God's wisdom

-Had fun with the maps on my ipad!! really cool!
Today I felt like God said for me to go spend some time on the mountain. So i did and good thing! away from a roommate's crankiness, the last of the powder, time with Jeff Hildebrand to talk to him, he was so nice, said i was such a sweet and happy face to look forward too. And we just talked, found out about his life, his story. It's kinda amazing, all God is doing. he also gave me $20 off and said he'd talk to the person at HR about my application. Talked about management opportunities and working under him. less knee locking, more toe side, less falling, some really good runs. Got to pray some things over, spent some time on the mountain and just rocked out to Franchesca Battistelli. Read psalm 57 too, it was good, just about how God hears from heaven my cry that He's with me and really wants what's best for me. God loves me=what's best for me=have faith=worry less=just do my part and can't expect much more.
And again and again about how it's His presence that fills me, how it's His presence i'm after, how i just love Him for Him. It really is the time in between that brings me to my knees. Knowing that He came for me, that He's my King of Kings and Lord of Lords...reminded of the fact that it is our intimacy with Him that rocks, it doesn't matter what other ppl say. And that we are loved based on Him being Love/God, not our goodness. He loves us for us. And that's kind of a mind blowing thought. In some regard it makes it easier to do His will. More thoughts, the consequences we suffer are His love as well. He warns us what the consequences will be, and in that regard we can choose wisely.
Choose to listen to Him. His words are life.
Talked with Dan oppa on the way home, he's doing better. I'm glad we can emphatize with each other. i told him i missed the guy i like and he said he could relate. i'm grateful for soemone who can relate. At the same time i know that while i miss someone, i can be grateful for what i have now instead of complaining about what i don't have!! like for dan and someone to emphatize with.
Grateful for Bo to keep me accountable and call me out on my crap, grateful for salmon, and ramen. Grateful for time away. Grateful for car place. Grateful for my car. Grateful for laughs over Karin's kids. Grateful for friends and family who love and care. Grateful for His truth. Grateful for revelation about Romans. see journal. Grateful for lindsay's text about the burnt bottle.
And He is so good. excited for MBA program, excited for Boston!! excited for snowcamping. excited for life in general!! Grateful for greater clarity. Grateful to ask more questions. Grateful I can pray for others. Grateful I can ask, grateful i can ice my knees. Grateful!!

goodness

well, its been an interesting process. God is the God of testing and its good. James 1:3,4
Today I had the worst cramps of my life. Add vomiting and diarrhea. But I felt like it was good. I felt like it was God flushing my system, spiritually and emotionally. And I had greater revelation as to the verse "Jesus learned obedience by suffering" Jesus had to learn to take His thoughts captive too. And it is in simply taking our thoughts captive.
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i feel a little low on the spiritual fellowship side. i wish there was someone i could be real with my struggle about. i wish i could divide more quickly whether i'm looking for an idol or i'm just looking for fellowship...this i know that you are Jehovah Jireh, my provider.

i felt like something was missing in my walk, and i realized that i wanted stablity. i want less double mindedness in myself. i want to stand in faith and righteousness and not just want it, but walk it out. perhaps it could be said that it is not what i'm missing, but the poison injected into my diet of doubt. Doubt, fear, condemnation, unbelief is not from God. help me remember that God.

often times i find myself missing certain things. things that i didn't know i needed, but i miss them anyway. but i realize, i need to ask.

So i ask for faith and wisdom and not doubting that God will grant it because God is good.
i must not doubt.
but i think there's more than that...something else is not stable. i feel like there's no real growth. i want to be a tree, not just a flower....

light the fire in my soul again
open my eyes to see the darkness and light again.

hmmm

There is hope for me, I am not too far gone. God loves me.
I can fast and pray. I can stand on truth. I belong to Him. Have faith and hold onto it. Guard it with my life. Focus on God on the Kingdom. Not myself. God will take care of me if I focus on Him. Remember to keep mouth shut unless God says something. Remember what God wants over anything. What God says goes. Stop with all the crazy thoughts. Keep praying for strength and emotional/spiritual healing. Ask myself if there is real spiritual blessing or value in this? Blaming does not help. No more blaming.

well

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want, and I want to be free. I want truth, so I can be free. And God is so gentle in drawing me back in all my confusion and emptiness. I feel pretty empty. These's things stick out to me, the truth will set me free, so live by truth and stand for what's right. I felt like God wanted me to watch the Blindside. So I did. And it really struck me just how much God loves me and wants what's best for me. And how He will protect me and how He wants what's best for me. When He tells me to do something. Like to today, I went to Northpointe, because I wanted to worship. Yes, I wanted to worship God on my own terms, but, He told me to leave. I know that the church I'm at is the best church, but I chafe, it's true. It's a high standard here, but I guess I'd rather have that. I'd rather have the crazy warfare, and have the truth rather than stand for half truths. So help me God. I've made so many mistakes. But I'm going to listen now, because I've decided what I want. I want to stand for truth and I want to be righteous. Not to escape hell or anything, but because I want to stand for something. I was inspired by the Blindside. I forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I feel so guilty, but I know God forgives me. I feel so condemned for chafing. I need to not feel empty anymore.

Anyhow, God told me to do a couple things. worship. No, sweets, no CNN, no going to other people. He will restore my sight. Fast and pray He said, fast and pray. I need to focus and respect what's right. And not demand from God anymore. I repent Lord, of my pride and anger towards God. Thank you for the life you gave me God.

here i am

months later, and what i see is that God most definitely still loves me and speaks to me. the other day, God told me to clean my room and i did, begrudingly, but its a good thing i did because i found pads that i would later need, very badly need, for my period. yes God You are still speaking and i'm trying to be really still and know you are God. it's really important for me to come to you in rest, so we can a) spend time together and b) so i'll know what battles to fight each day. this blog really is just for God and me. It's amazing the thoughts that go through my head. amazingly wicked. i see that God really wants me to just take care of me. So often, i like to play policewoman and go well, this is what's wrong with this person and i didn't respond right because they didn't do it this way. sometimes, the rationale is, God, they're not going to change if i ask for forgiveness, but God responds, that it's not for them i that i ask, its for me, its to humble my pride and thinking i deserve better treatment. i don't. i've been perfectly spoiled and that's not right, He is God and I am not. I better realize and change that. And change it quick. it feels hard when i feel like i have have no content. but You are who You are God. And nothing will change that. please change me and continue to help me walk by Your Spirit. Give me the content, the right desires, attitudes, and motives God. Please help. Thank You for You. Help me to love You for You, not just to use You and get Your help. Help me be like Job. wait, didn't You have me read Job? maybe in preparation for all this. not because i'm righteous like Job, but because i need to love God for God, not just because He blesses me. You are good God, and You are wonderful. more than i know. please restore my sight, my spirit and help me to think rightly and not complain so much. but help me be thankful God. I can't even do that without Your help. so God, thank You for good friends, for the little things, for still speaking and convicting me on things and being LOVE, patient with me in all my ways. i love that about You. Always being there. I'm finding my way, little by little. Thank you for breaking me and hopefully giving me more repentance. little by little i'll change.

thank You God for Lindsay's note, for Your Word, which is so good. Thank You for Kay's e-mail which described that You would do it, that I can be still and know You are God, and YOU ARE, You're big, You can restore me, blow life back into my spirit by Yours. and for letting me see that I have wanted You for the blessings, not just for You and I need to get back to that. To love You for You, not just to get the blessings or to have things not go bad because of whatever. Though I know Lord, You will change that. it also feels good to take responsiblity and work and have things clean. it does feel good to do my job. and i don't need to complain, i can be thankful. thank You Lord. You are good.

When I look in the mirror,

I'm not quite sure if I like what i see, I've come to realize that's what matters most, what's in me.
I don't like what I see
I'm a liar, thief, adulterer, murderer, idolator, selfish, cold hearted, sadly of all unloving. I gross myself out. if there is any good in me, i know its God. Thanks be to God for Jesus Christ. I hope that He'll change me. Change my desires, attitudes, and motivations. Change my wickedness to His goodness. What a faithful friend. How could I not love someone so faithful? And who do i really want to be?